thoughts and expressions

(social quotient)

tone-deaf? “obtuse insensitivity or lack of perception particularly in matters of public sentiment, opinion, or taste”

manners are cultural social intelligence… traditional ‘politeness’ is beginning to lose its appeal… washing out your personality in favor of more uniform behavior

people who are socially intelligent think and behave in a way that spans beyond what’s culturally acceptable at any given moment in time… [they] communicate with others and leave them feeling at ease without sacrificing who they are and what they want to say… this is the basis of connection

There are too many things in this world to constantly worry about; luckily, how we perceive them is all internal. It’s not how the event or thing affects us, it’s how we process and respond to those events. Similar to the emotional quotient, there exists a social quotient and similarly, there are those with a high social quotient that they may be called socially intelligent (SI) people.

I would say I’m a rather socially intelligent person; however, what society, or rather what Wiest dictates, goes against my personality. There are moments were I prefer to be completely candid not at the expense of the other person’s reactions but rather my intention to stay true to myself.

That said, there is an exception. An exception which is actually the first point of Wiest’s list of traits which makes people socially intelligent: do not try to elicit a strong emotional response from anyone they are holding a conversation with.

I’m an offender of this.

I do enhance accomplishments and exaggerate hardships to bring about a response of awe and sympathy, respectively. Unfortunately, I tend to want to elicit an emotional response from whom I’m talking with in order to gauge their response and understand what is going on in their mind and reasoning. However, after reading this trait, I’ve realized that in trying to elicit a response, I’m influencing their honest response and, in a way, blackmailing them to give me a response. It seems rather manipulative of me and I need to change that.

After thinking about this trait more, I also realized that I am lying to myself about these accomplishments or hardships since a part of them never happened or were over told. Others may not know the truth, but I definitely do. However, when they do know the truth, it’s just as harmful to our connection than the individual persons.

There are so many facts and opinions of life. It’s literally impossible to know everything and even more improbable to predict who perceives what in any way. Similarly, there are many concepts which incite or are perceived in a variety of emotional responses. I think it’s ultimately wrong to speak definitively about things since it is possible that other people may feel different about it.

The socially intelligent person would and should say “I think”. Although this conveys opinion, I do have a tiff with this. Since it’s an opinion, it doesn’t necessarily convey confidence. Even at work, when ideas are being taken into consideration, “I think” makes it seem as if I don’t completely know what I’m talking about.

An afterthought: “I think” does welcome arguments and (constructive) feedback.

Wiest includes another trait: socially intelligent people speak with precision. According to her, to be precise is to speak calmly, simply, concisely, and mindfully. However, diving a bit deeper – I think more of her traits of SI people can be considered as part of speaking with precision: do not immediately deny criticism, or have such a strong emotional reaction to it that they become unapproachable or unchangeable, do not confuse their opinion of someone for being a fact about them, do not overgeneralize other people through their behaviors, do not try to inform people of their ignorance.

Though there’s many traits below, I think the reasonable and socially conscious person would know when they’re not enacting the traits of a socially intelligent person. After reading these traits, I believe the “if” we want to be socially intelligent and “how much” we want to be socially intelligent is a choice, ultimately up to us.

If we are true to ourselves, our (pure) thoughts become our (pure) words and our (pure) words become our (pure) actions. And our words toward one person should stay toward that person and not be generalized to anyone else, unless it’s a fact. Speaking about facts, opinions should never be considered as strong as facts and one’s opinions should not be conveyed as facts to others.

Be nice. Speak nice. Be aware.

People who are socially intelligent:

• do not try to elicit a strong emotional response from anyone they are holding a conversation with.
• do not speak in definitives about people, politics, or ideas.
• speak with precision.
• do not immediately deny criticism, or have such a strong emotional reaction to it that they become unapproachable or unchangeable.
• do not confuse their opinion of someone for being a fact about them.
• do not overgeneralize other people through their behaviors.
• do not try to inform people of their ignorance.
• know how to practice healthy disassociation
• validate other people’s feelings.
• recognize that their “shadow selves” are the traits, behaviors, and patterns that aggravate them about others.
• do not argue with people who only want to win, not learn.
• listen to hear, not respond.
• do not consider themselves a judge of what’s true.
• don’t poison the well or fall for ad hominem fallacy to disprove a point.
• have a primary relationship to themselves and work on it tirelessly.